Happy 2009!

When I went to work this morning, I was driving along this beautiful country road, snow banks hugging it all the way. Andrea Bocelli was blasting from the car stereo and I was smiling just so extremely grateful that a year that was mostly about being "stuck" has ended so well and become so unstuck and there is such a feeling of contentedness; as if I'm exactly where I'm meant to be right now.

If anyone had told me on January 1, 2008 that I would be living on Salt Spring by the end of the year, that I'd be meeting artists and writing about them and playing in a band, I'd have thought they were on drugs.

As I continue along the road I remind myself to try really hard not to let my vision of this place become common place for as long as I live here. I pass Pauline's house and look for her van. I pass the paper that I write for. I then come to my favourite part of the drive. There's a spot where you head down the hill into Ganges and the view from the car window is spectacular. You see the expanse of the San Juan's in the distance and the ocean. You see all the little sailboats dotting the Ganges Harbour and it's a scene that is so winter perfect with winter blues, greys, olives and whites in tones so strong that awe doesn't come close to the feeling it evokes. If only I had a photo for you to show you but it's hard to do that when driving.

Tonight when I returned home, I passed my landlord's kitchen window. Robert was wearing a tux and looking like a movie star. As soon as I got in the door, feeling kinda shocked not thinking anybody would get dressed up, I phoned their number to find out what the dress code was tonight. Sharon laughed saying that he was wearing jeans on the bottom.

She's singing at The Legion, performing 35 songs over 3 sets and at the last minute I lend her this top that I bought a few years ago for another New Years. It's all glittery and quite perfect for a performer; something I purchased and only wore once a few years back because hey, let's get real! It's not me!

I will force myself out to The Legion around 9 pm even though I won't really want to go alone. But, I want to hear Sharon sing and I expect there will be people whom I've met. I don't expect I will stay long. Robert's the bartender there and they'll be singing a duet at some point during the evening which I would really like to see because I like them and it's entertainment where entertainment choices tonight are slim pickings.

Then, I'll return home and because I don't want to be in a crowd of drunken strangers when the clock turns midnight, I will probably spend midnight alone back in my cottage.

But, I will be happy and I will raise my glass to all my wonderful friends, to people whom I've known and loved in the past. I have a little ritual where I name each and every one of them out loud and wish them well. I'll wonder whether they are happy tonight and thank God for their presence in my life, past and present, and I will go to sleep very contented feeling like 2009 will be spectacular and at the same time aware of that bitter sweet feeling knowing that this time in my life and these feelings will never come again.

My friend Colleen has told me that next year is the Year of the Ox and I'm an Ox (although when I read the descriptions, they seem to have no bearing on my personality traits - except for the stubborness) so on top of feeling so fantastic already, we can only hope that the year of the Ox means Double Happiness.

Happy New Year and bless you all!

Annual Reflection

At this time of year I always think it's a really good idea to take some time to assess the past year and to put out intent about the quality of the experiences we would like to have unfold in the year ahead.

For me, it reminds me of all that has happened. It reminds me of what it is I think I should be focusing on and it provides a space to reflect. It's an excellent artificial milestone for assessing where we are and for revising some of the things we'd like to change.Do not censor yourself. Do not ask how. Just write down whatever comes to mind.

Doing this, I must emphasize is not the same as making resolutions. I don't really like New Year's Resolutions because they don't really work because unless the inner self is ready to make change, it can't.

For some time now I have recognized the importance of consciously reminding ourselves, no matter how difficult it is to really imagine, that we are mortal, that our time here is a gift, and that at any time we may not be here. Poof. Gone.

I think it's a good time to remind ourselves that how we think, our intent and our choices really do play a role in determining the direction of our future - immediate and long term. We have choices. It is imperative to really understand that there is choice. As the saying goes, the choice may suck, but it's still a choice. Without that belief then you have given up and the self fulfilling prophecy that you have chosen to run as a tape in your head will be perpetuated.

My work here - the non writing work - is introducing me to people who may not believe that they have choices. They may not believe it because they are broke and view that as an inevitable, a burden, what they deserve, something that they can't change because of the constraints of this island.

They seem unable to help themselves make the change they so desperately need. Their way of being shaped by their past has led them to the place they are in and they are oblivious to the role that they are playing in maintaining it as if they are zombies in a play that they aren't even aware that they are in; as if they just stumbled across the stage by taking a wrong turn instead of the main character in the only role in the only play that matters right now.

Instead of seeing their role in creating their present reality, they are victims. It's the economy. It's the government. It's the people. They generalize a lot cutting huge swaths of rationalizations as stark as clearcuts to justify their personal landscapes. This is not to say that what they are saying is not coming from a place of reality. But, they are too close to their misery to recognize that if they believe they can't, then they are sure to be correct in that assessment.

When I talk to someone who is feeling that way, it's as if a big mirror is being held up above their head and not only am I seeing them but I'm seeing myself; my past self juxtaposed against my current self and the change in understanding that I know I've experienced in the past 12 years.

I understand what it feels like to be trapped, to feel hopeless, to not consciously believe that it's possible for change to happen, to know that you are getting in your own way more than anyone else.

The difference is that I actually took some steps to make change and I made a commitment to myself to recognize that nothing is more important than self awareness. It might take years of therapy. It might take reading, meditation, yoga, religion, spiritual exploration. Whatever it takes the difference between those who change and those who don't are the people it seems who believe the power to change is solely in their hands first, and then, if a higher power intervenes, so much the better.

When I meet someone who sounds like they have given up and they are telling themselves that the town sucks, people are this way or that, that the only thing anyone cares about is money, it's as if they might as well be saying, blah, blah, blah, blah.

What I am hearing coming out of their mouths is meaningless, a figment of their own projections, and yet to them, it's the most important dogma of their existence. I become super conscious when someone starts speaking like that. I recognize it. I've sounded that way myself. Haven't we all at some point?

It happened today. This job is interesting, not because of what I'm doing. That part is actually quite dull and unchallenging. The interest in the position for me exists because it has put me into a position that I had previously had in my mind when the thought of getting another Communications job was as interesting as watching paint dry.

It has put me into a position where I interact one on one with people and that allows some insights I have gained to be shared for whatever they are worth.

What would you like to imagine about your own personal growth during the next 365 days?

Dangerous Cookies

Momma Pauline's Christmas Eve Journey as told to Gayle.

You were smart to leave on the 23rd, she says to me. I got stuck. I had to leave the car. I couldn't drive. I couldn't get out of the driveway.

But, I thought, that's okay, I can just stand outside and wave down the bus. So, I loaded up my baking and everything. I had so much stuff I had to get the neighbours to help me just to get to the corner.

When I got on the bus, I couldn't fit through the door the normal way. I had to throw the bag on, hold the bag full of baking and squeeze on sideways. I had to leave the baking at the front, couldn't take it all with me, and it was being passed to me bag by bag down to the back of the bus she says.

So, we get to Ganges and the bus just sits there. Why aren't we going, I ask the bus driver. This bus doesn't go to Fulford he says. What? I almost screamed she says. Not every busy meets the ferry he says.

I couldn't believe it. There were no schedules. I had to get it all off the bus. One bag is slung over my shoulder one way, the other the other way. I have bags in each hand. And, I had to go have four coffees with all those bags just to pass the time for the next bus - two hours later. Can you believe it?

Finally when it's time, I go back to the stop and there must have been 75 people lined up. The bus only seats 20! It's snowing like crazy.
They split people up and somehow because of where they were split, I got to the front of the line she says laughing.

I'm on the bus and when we get to the Fulford Ferry, I ask this man who had no bags if he could carry some of my baking. He agrees. He tells me he'll leave it in the forward lounge Number 1. He works on the ferry. I tell him if he just leaves it I'll pick it up.

He goes down the ramp. For some reason we're all just standing at the gate waiting to be let on. Time seems to be passing and nothing's happening. Then, I hear the muffled sounds of an annoucement. I can't hear a thing, don't have a clue what they're saying but then I see all these people, ferry personnel, running to the forward lounge.

What's going on, I ask? Nobody knows what's going on. There seems to be a lot of commotion.

Finally, I see this guy, ferry personnel coming back up the ramp. He's carrying my bag, the bag I gave to the other guy. I'm screaming at him. Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Where you going? That's my Christmas baking. What are you doing with my Christmas baking?

Turns out, they were all running there because they thought the bag was suspicious. As if someone had left a bomb she says and she can't stop laughing. "At Fulford?" I ask, incredulous at the stupidity.

Yessssssss! she says in that long exxagerrated and loud way she has of saying yes where the "s" lasts forever.

I got it back from him and of course they were all joking about how the least I could do was give them some cookies after I'd scared them all like that with my unidentified bags of baking.

I was just glad they didn't pick it up and hurl it overboard as far from the boat as possible, expecting an explosion as it hit the water, she said.