Do You Know When to Leave Your Ego At Home?

 I went to the United Church on Salt Spring, Wednesday night, to hear Makere Stewart Harawira speak. She's from a tribe in New Zealand called the Waitaha. Apparently, they have existed for 2,000 - 3,000 years. Dr. Stewart-Harawira said the word Maori is a generic term that means essence; the natural peoples.

The talk was hosted by the Child Honouring Centre and its founder Raffi Cavoukian was there to introduce her at which point she sang a beautiful song in her language and began to speak about how we are at a critical juncture in human evolution where we can either make decisions that have the potential to lead to huge evolutionary leaps or we will make decisions (as we have been) that will lead to our extinction.  Nothing new in that statement unless you really digest the information and say it to yourself  and truly hear it at a cellular level.

"The sacred needs to be returned to our economic and political structures." For me, that was the most significant insight she shared becauseI feel that everyone feels a lack of "the sacred" every day even when they can't put words  to the angst they might be feeling at any given moment.

When the talk was over, it was question period.

How many times have you been to a talk where someone, usually one or two people, interpret question period to mean, let me bring out my soapbox. Let me challenge the speaker. Let me reveal my own brilliance read, my ego needs stroking, please see me and acknowledge me and help me to feel superior.


Most significantly, this man represented a way of being that would be beneficial to move away from at this point in human history. Instead of a listening and an open spirit, he brought antagonism and his own sense of rightness seeking affirmation and acknowledgement for himself in place of respect for others; not just the speaker but for the mainly female audience.

When I worked at UBC Computer Science, one of the professors  there who was Mormon once said to me, "If it doesn't add anything positive to the conversation, you really need to ask yourself whether it should be said."

So many people (including myself more often than not) are incapable of assessing that and unfortunately this man brought a negativity and a violence (as a result of the interchange it evoked between Raffi and him) to an evening that had been rooted in peace and soft energy prior to his serious error in judgment.

Suddenly, there, in that beautiful little church, what played out replicated what too often plays out in boardrooms, around kitchen tables, in casual groups. The collective anxiety his way of being evoked was palpable.

It was a really useful (albeit inappropriately-timed) lesson for everyone there to reflect upon.
1. Is the thought I just had necessary to articulate out loud?
2. Will this information add to the conversation or merely bolsters my ego?
3. Is this the right time to bring our concerns to the forefront?
4. Would a private conversation be more appropriate?
5. Am I coming from a place of love or a place of judgment?

Swimming with the Dragons on Salt Spring

Intuition. Mine works pretty well. Especially when it comes to people. Friday I found myself walking down the path of this 7 acre property, through a gate, into an old orchard and in the distance I see this unfinished round building.

A conversation with someone whom I have know superficially led to me agreeing to meet with him as a means to help me focus on my physical health.

He teaches Qi Gong. He's a carpenter who specializes in Asian-style buildings and in rammed earth. He's also done rigging for concerts in the city.  From the first time I met him about two years ago, I knew that he was a very unique individual. His whole way of being radiates gentle, respectful and accepting.

The conversations I've had with him have always been in my office and have always been oriented towards the spiritual. Whenever he drops by, which hasn't been often in the past 6 months, it's a breath of fresh air compared to my usual interactions throughout the day. He's just come back from Hornby Island for 7 weeks where he was building a rammed earth house.

He's  a very soft spoken guy who stands very straight. Slight of build but very fit; lithe might be the word. He wears his long blonde hair in a chignon atop his head. He usually walks around town in clothing that seems very Asian even though he's Caucasian. He's got an extremely calm, centred energy.

When I arrive, I find him at his "outdoor kitchen". We enter his place which is one round room on the main floor with a lotus flower cutout that leads to the "loft" where his bed is. There's a wood stove and a beautiful round skylight at the top where you can look up and see the sky and evergreens as if the natural world is being offered to you through a magnifying glass platter.

There are lots of windows and he is proud of a door he's just finished building. There's a poster of a tiger on one wall which has a significance that he explains to me.  Sprouts are growing in shelves in front of a window. (I never have seen the attracton of sprouts. Blah).  The woodstove has a kettle on it and the fire is crackling. He hands me a cup of green tea. A beautiful large Buddha with a turqouise patina sits atop a bookshelf full of books on nutrition, spirituality, martial arts.

We sit cross legged on the floor. 

I was facing the window, he was facing me. The light streaming in was framing his blonde hair like a halo. I was soaking in the visual effect savouring the way the light seemed to accentuate this "sentient being". (I say that half jokingly because a former friend, Anu, constantly would use the term "sentient beings.")

We talk about the three pillars of health and "plan the work, work the plan". He talks about clear vision and laser beam focus and he leads me through a series of questions he wants me to spend time answering on my own.I must come up with 20 possibilities for each.

As our conversation unfolds I am blown away by the knowledge he has and his ability to impart that using analogies and metaphors. After quite a long time, we get up and do some exercises.

He starts with a guided meditation called Coming Home. We begin beating ourselves down one side of the body and up the other like in former yoga classes I've taken. We are awakening our inner smile.  And finally, we do a movement called Swimming Dragon which starts with us standing on our toes, our palms together above our head, and then we try and draw an S curve with our arms and our body.

I am standing behind him so I can mimic him. I have to keep bringing myself back to the moment because if not, if I'd see myself as others might have if they had been observing, I'd probably have wet my pants laughing.

I felt like Shirley Valentine and instead of being on a boat with a Greek player named Kostas, I was with some Germanic "Ninja" healer in his Yurt-styled abode like I had just been transplanted into that book The Secret.

I'm trying to move a spine that is more used to sitting stationary in front of a computer than one that can bend fluidly like the winds bend willows. I know from being around Colleen all these years (and just from my own knowledge gained by taking Sandra's yoga classes in the West End) that keeping the spine limber is the most significant way to maintain mobility hence youthfulness.

Can't you just see me? I was pretty happy. I had a big smile on my face that he couldn't see and I stood behind this beautiful man. He was moving as fluidly as a dancer. It goes without saying, I don't. Move like a dancer, that is. I move more like the tinman in The Wizard of Oz. But, there I was.  Seeing the humour in the situation and wishing I was about 10 years younger.

Something to look forward to in the New Year to be sure. :-)

Just Surrender

Things have begun to go a little sideways with "my lady" and as a result I am very tired and feeling like, what now, what now, and worried about my living arrangement. A recent fall means she requires more assistance than when I started and more than I had in mind that I'm happy to do in exchange for "free rent." Predictable by those of you who thought I wouldn't last a month doing this I'm sure. Luckily, everyone - the other caregivers and her family - is very understanding about why I might be feeling the way I am.

As a result, since the first time I've been on Salt Spring, I have been feeling less than happy - worried, troubled, and tired. The other day, Thursday, I ran into this guy who sells at the market. He makes these amazing twig chairs and furniture fit for eco-kings and queens.

His name is Tom. I said hi to him and he proceeded to tell me how wonderful things are for him, and how as a stonemason and a furniture maker he pretty much just gets to work for people who he loves - his friends and neighbours. Then, he just pronounces: "You just have to surrender." He wasn't really saying it to me as advice as much as just throwing it out there, as if he was reminding himself and me and the universe.

That statement stopped me. We'd only chatted for about 2 minutes before he said it. I looked at him and said, "Wow, it's as if you're my messenger for today or something."

 "You just have to surrender." We talked a bit more about that concept, how it's not a one-time thing. When I walked away, I was wondering what exactly that meant in relation to my problem at the moment. Surrender to what I know? I don't want to do this now. Surrender to where I'm at? You're here, just go with it and see what happens next? Could the message be a little more directive? Not quite gettin' the jist of it. Dontcha hate that?

Let's all just surrender. I do know that when things are going the way they're meant to be going that it is quite effortless; things fall into place. When you find yourself trying way too hard for too little outcome, that's always a sign, I think, that perhaps you're just not meant to be doing what you are determined, bang your head against the wall, get out of my way before I kill you are trying to do.

Have you ever had the experience of surrendering and having circumstances transform? Any other sage advice?
Share your wisdom in a comment.

Dimensions of Seeing

(If the person who entered this spaghetti squash into the Fall Fair had seen only a vegetable, they would not have created this delightful little character).

There have been some issues arising with "my lady" and yesterday, after my day job, sitting in Barb's Buns with a friend, I noticed another of her caregivers who I rarely get a chance to talk to privately. She was just coming off her shift and I wanted to touch base with her briefly so I did that for 5 minutes.

When I asked her what she was thinking, she said, "I'm coming from a totally different perspective than everyone else else. I'm a buddhist. I've spent years in India. I lived with a "master".

I looked at her when she stated this because, to be honest, it came across as a little bit arrogant, but in the little that I know of this person, I know arrogance is not her thing.

It seems to me that interacting and caring for an elderly person whether they are our parents, relatives or a friend,  requires every bit of our life experience and challenges all our interpersonal skills.

While I've only been quite concerned and focused on "my lady's" safety recently, this person, in a very gentle way, reminded me that she was really mainly focused on spiritual health.

It was such a timely little reminder. It made me realize that when confronted with any scenario - our work, a relationship, friendships, children etc. there's so much more than their physical well being to be concerned about.

We can get caught up in believing that we know what someone else needs - whether they're looking for work or contemplating how best to be cared for in their later years - only to realize that we must have faith that each of us has our own internal wisdom and life experience to help us on our unique journey which is a spiritual one first and foremost. I believe this to be true of everyone, including people who may be suffering from some sort of mental restriction whether it be mental  illness or a mental disability.

When I was severely depressed in the past, there was always an internal compass; a little flicker of a pilot light that remained lit, waivering at times but still there and I believe that our spirit or whatever you want to call it, will guide us even when our conscious behaviour is seemingly diminished.

If my lady is safe but she is completely miserable then what is the point of her safety?

So, I guess  it's very wise to remind ourselves that regardless of the situation a multi-dimensional approach to it, is always desirable and possible.

• Physically, is this safe?
• Emotionally, will this allow us to be kind to others and to ourselves?
• Intellectually will our participation result in expanded understanding?
• Spiritually what will we learn about ourselves or what are the messages inherent in the situation?
• Socially will it add to our feeling of being a part of a community or separate.

The Blue Factor

I've never kept a journal consistently but I have, usually when things are not going so well, or when I feel that I need to be a little more enlightened as to how lucky I am, I write stuff down.

Sometimes I do the whole gratitude thing and that really does have an almost instantaneous effect on shifting my vision towards the positive.

I'll write things down because I'm thinking perhaps if I write it down the confusion I have around something will be more clear in print and at the time it usually never is. But, going back months and years later, its message is often a neon sign.

The best thing about writing things down in a designated space (preferably a journal, not a telephone pole) is that it's a constant reminder that life is change and that can take away fear related to change and lead to active changes being made.

Last year about this time, I was living on Robson Street and after six months, I could not seem to find work. It didn't make any sense. I have the experience in Communications. I have excellent references, etc. etc. The thing is, every time I thought about doing communications, I had this sinking feeling. Been there. Done That. And, I was becoming very depressed after not being depressed for quite a few years in what has been a re-occurring, most challenging theme in my life as a result of a mood disorder that mainly gets expressed as depression.

I had a great group of friends. I loved living on Robson Street a mere block from Stanley Park. But, inside, there was this niggling, sinking, murmur, as if I'd forgotten something. It was constantly there but I couldn't figure out what it was. It was like an urging to do - something - but I didn't know what it was. I did know, even voiced it out loud, that whatever it was required more than just "getting a job" to get rid of it.

Call it mid-life crisis, call it what happens when change is necessary, call it your soul's expression tickling you from the inside out, but it's a reminder that when that inner compass is pointing North and you insist on persisting in the same direction that you've been going, it's the jumping off point and you need to take it to SWIM.

It's like doing a canon ball in the middle of some fancy pool party.

I thought about that this morning for some reason. I thought about how much has changed in the past year and how so many of the unvoiced desires that were muddled in my head last June have somehow come into being now because they were there and so was the intent to unearth them.

Spirit Colours

Success an Inside Job

-taken through a window in Scottsdale Arizona

A friend in Tennessee sent this to me yesterday. I thought it would be good to share. It is written by the writer Alice Walker.

Nov. 5, 2008
Dear Brother Obama,

You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history. But seeing you deliver the torch so many others before you carried, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only to be struck down before igniting the flame of justice and of law, is almost more than the heart can bear.

And yet, this observation is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time, and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North America is a different place. It is really only to say: Well done. We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us, the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this, that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength. Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom, stamina and character, is a balm for the weary warriors of hope, previously only sung
about.

I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster that
the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible for bringing
the world back to balance.

A primary responsibility that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. And so on. One gathers that your family is large.

We are used to seeing men in the White House soon become juiceless and as
white-haired as the building; we notice their wives and children looking
strained and stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they
remind us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family
deserve this fate.

One way of thinking about all this is: It is so bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy, relaxed state, you can model real success, which is all that so many people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can manage, or barely manage, but this is because it is not yet clear to them that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the reach of almost everyone.

I would further advise you not to take on other people's enemies. Most
damage that others do to us is out of fear, humiliation and pain. Those
feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us who profess a certain
religious or racial devotion. We must learn actually not to have enemies,
but only confused adversaries who are ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are commander in chief of the United States and are sworn to protect our beloved country; this we understand, completely.

However, as my mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often
fought, "hate the sin, but love the sinner." There must be no more crushing of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a means of ruling a people's spirit. This has already happened to people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this leads, where it has led.

A good model of how to "work with the enemy" internally is presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because, finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies, the connection to earth, to peoples, to animals, to rivers, to mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile, with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of
healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our way, and brightening the world.

We are the ones we have been waiting for.

In Peace and Joy,
Alice Walker

Authenticity

I took what I will describe as this "mystical" photo earlier this summer.

When I noticed it again this week, I felt that its ethereal quality represented quite well the changes that have been percolating for me. Consciousness shifting. Arriving in its own perfect time.

I have had an amazing week.

No. You can't see it. Nobody can. I really shouldn't even speak of it. To speak of it makes me sound crazy. But, you can not be moving towards authenticity- finally - and be crazy. Far from it.

It made me realize that sometimes the journey we take - inside ourselves - when we are ready, is one that can make a world tour seem, in comparison, like a pointless exercise of just passing time.