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February 15, 2010

Beware of Paradise

So, I turned 49 this morning and it struck me that I only have 364 days until I'm 50 years old. Holy shit! I have to get my ass in gear. I mean, theoretically, this realization would have been better if it had hit me about 25 years ago but there you go. Beware of paradise and Lord of the Flies re-runs.

So, what better time to start The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and start writing "the morning papers". I did that this morning. Just three pages. Whatever comes out. And you know what came out? "What the hell am I doing here? What AM I doing here?" Those are the words that struck me the most in the three pages I wrote. Thoughts just flew out of me onto the page. It's like conducting therapy on yourself and God knows, I know how to do that. I'm an expert at that. I should be a therapist I've had so much therapy. You'd think, then, I might realized when I'm crossing my own boundaries.

Thank God that I believe, based on past experience, that every aspect of our lives has a purpose even if we can't see what it is at the time and no matter how hellish. As a result, I have faith that being here, living the way I am, is perfect and exactly where I'm supposed to be but that doesn't mean that I'm not totally FREAKED out about where I am wondering what the hell this is preparing me for except my own decrepitude, a future as a geriatric psychiatrist or the ability to do time in small spaces.

I keep thinking that perhaps the message is Seize the Day given what I have to witness on a daily basis.
I came here to write for real and now I'm putting an ad in the paper saying I'll write people's wedding vows and obituaries. Have I finally been Certified? THINK BIGGER! It's not that I CAN'T do it because of course, I can. I could probably clip the toe nails on Chihuahuas for a living too but that doesnt' mean I WANT to or that it's a GOOD idea!

Anyway, let's just say, in the past month the wake-up call just won't stop ringing and I'm wondering where's the fire extinguisher, where's the front desk, the valet, the concierge, the undertaker?

Have you ever had a dream come true only to realize that maybe it's about time you woke up and got back to real life?

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