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September 07, 2010

Opening the Door to Self Forgiveness

Last night I went to see that movie, Eat, Pray, Love and the line that really struck me was when Richard from Texas was talking to Liz or "Groceries" as he liked to call her in reference to her healthy appetite and the first time they met at the ashram in India.

After sharing what I think was the best scene in the movie where he described his seriously misguided existence prior to his time at the Ashram, he tells Groceries that when she has forgiven herself, she'll be ready to leave or something along those lines. She realizes that it isn't about forgiving her husband whom she left. It's about forgiving herself.

I was sitting there and feeling a bit emotional over that scene because as she was experiencing that on screen I realized that I don't think I've ever forgiven myself for not having a more "mainstream" life. I don't think I've ever realized how much I've never truly forgiven myself for not getting married or having children even though I honestly feel that it was never my choice as much as a choice that felt made for me mostly just because of my way of being.

I started to really think about that later and it felt quite freeing to recognize that I am really tired of living - at least internally - as if I'm a third class citizen because I haven't participated in the two most important life rationales for being human- a long term partnership and the production of more human babies.
The other thing I'd like to forgive myself for is how many times I felt so badly every time I freaked out on a guy, who in hindsight and with the wisdom of time, I can unequivocally say, always deserved exactly what he got in the first place.

What's the most challenging thing you think you'd like to forgive yourself for?


awatters@telus.net said...

Hi Gayle: So I am reading your blog now and am touched by your sharing of thoughts about forgiving yourself. I think by just recognizing the need you are either forgiving yourself or on the brink of doing so! For myself the only thing that springs to mind is that I have not/will never forgive myself for not being a better mother (you should be able to practice on someone else's kid before you have your own; now that I spend time with my little 2-year-old granddaughter I realize how much I learned from my earlier experience with children (my own) but surely they should not have been my guineapigs, right?)

Gayle Mavor said...

Well, we were all guinea pigs I guess! I have to say I think you've always been an excellent surrogate mother to me so thank you, Anne.

flameonglass said...

I can't tell you but it is big.