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April 27, 2009

People Don't Really Change

This is a little post along the lines of those self help books that have titles like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus or He's Just Not That Into You and my personal favorite title, Act like a Lady, Think like a Man!

See these two guys? I met them when I was 20. I fell in love with the one on the left. They have been friends since high school - maybe even before that for all I know.

The nice one - let's call him R - was here on Salt Spring this weekend with his wife and kids because his son had a soccer tournament here. I haven't seen him in about 25years. I really enjoyed seeing him and just being around him for a short time.

I saw the one on the left in 2007 because he chose for reasons that make no sense to me, to contact me after a decade. Why not? he says. Of course the important question for me is Why? Why would I ever even return a phone call from him? That's the $64 million question?

I actually talked to him back then, in 2007, long before I lived here, about how much I'd like to live here. I've been coming here since 1990. This is my sacred island; one that I expected he would never see. But, no, he just had to tag along with R just because he's such a fan of children's soccer. (sarcasm)

Yesterday, one of my friend's reminded me that our greatest challenges in life in the form of individuals are our greatest teachers. I am his teacher. He is mine and together we are the slowest learners on the planet apparently.

In the spirit of that I thought I'd like to pass on some advice to the nice one's gorgeous 14 year old daughter. Here it is:

1. If a guy hurts you once he will hurt you again. If being around him leaves you feeling less than you are as a person and acting in ways that you would never act with others (being purposefully rude), pay attention.
2. When it comes to men, the only thing that matters is how they treat you through their actions. This applies to women as well.
3. The majority really will do and say anything for sex.
4. If you have some karmic connection with him then it won't matter whether you live on a deserted island, in Antarctica, in a village in Papua New Guinea or on a colony on Mars, he will find you if he really wants to albeit for reasons you may never understand and that have nothing to do with love. Find the strength to not see him. Ever.
5. What you need has nothing to do with what he may or may not be emotionally capable of giving.
6. Some men never grow up and dismissive communication is their defence.
7. Don't assume that your hold over him is not as great as his over you for unhealthy reasons you may never understand and that probably originated in your childhoods.
8. Some men (and women) are incapable of emotional depth and authenticity. Just accept it.
9. People don't really change. They learn. They adapt. They improve. They can change sexual orientation. They can grow emotionally. But, at the core of their soul, who they are when they were born, is who they are and those overriding tendencies do not change for better or worse.
10. Give someone two chances (not three) and then never look back. Life is too short for the kind of insanity that unfolds otherwise.

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